Do you find it challenging when someone persistently pushes your boundaries? Here’s how to stick up for yourself while keeping your peace.

The year I was born, my grandparents built a cottage on an island in Canada. It’s beautiful. It’s also rustic by most people’s standards, with no electricity and no indoor plumbing. I love that. The only thing I don’t love up there is the mosquitoes. They come and go, but when they come—yikes.

There’s nothing quite like sitting reading in the evening with the windows right behind me, hearing the voracious whine of mosquitoes whirling outside, smelling my blood and doing their best to help themselves to it.

Thank God for screens. Screens provide a physical boundary between me and the thirsty hordes. They also provide a useful model for thinking about boundary-setting generally…and those of us who are highly sensitive (HSPs) do need to think about boundaries.

Why labels don’t help

HSPs typically have trouble setting boundaries.  We hate the idea of being “mean.” Here’s the thing, though: when we don’t keep clean boundaries, we end up being “mean” anyway. One way we do this is by attaching judgmental labels to people who repeatedly push our boundaries.

This article in Psychology Today is a perfect example. It has some decent boundary-setting ideas in it. Unfortunately, it also creates enemy images in your mind of people who test boundaries:

Boundary pushers come in a variety of forms and may be narcissistic, immature, entitled, selfish, privileged, desperate, clueless, or some combination. They want what they want, our boundaries be damned.

Let’s face it: we’re all human. We want what we want. You could even say we’re entitled to want what we want. Getting what we want is, of course, another thing entirely.

That doesn’t stop some people from trying—persistently, maddeningly—to get something from you that you don’t want to give. In that regard, people can be a lot like mosquitoes. Frustrating as that is, though, applying derogatory labels to a persistent boundary pusher will not help you.

Why? Because we label people when we believe we need to justify to ourselves, to them, or to an invisible jury in the sky our right to say “No.” If you feel you must justify yourself to anyone, the horse is already out of the barn. Your boundary has holes in it.

On the other hand, when you come up with a way to say “No” without feeling guilty, without feeling the need to justify or explain yourself, AND without demonizing the other person, you know you’ve found a good clean boundary. I want this for you, and I want it for me.

In short, I want us to be able to take good care of ourselves AND to feel good about it. How do we do that?

Focusing on your own responsibility

When I use mosquitoes as my boundary-pushing mascot, I mean no disrespect to the species. I’m simply referring to the fact that it’s not in the nature of a mosquito to give up. We don’t expect them to. You can’t tell a mosquito not to bite you. You can’t threaten it with a fine, or send it to bed without dinner, or unfriend it. Repellents don’t always work, and the really good ones have cancer-causing chemicals in them. Not great.

The only thing that reliably keeps mosquitoes out is a good screen. If you have a hole in your screen, a mosquito will find it. It’s up to you to plug the holes. Once you accept this—that it’s up to you to keep your screens in good repair—life gets much easier. Now all you have to do is figure out exactly what that means in your particular situation.

What is the first, and most essential, task of boundary setting? To clarify what you have control over, and what you don’t. Only then can you focus on what you can control.

What do you have control over?

• What you say
• What you do
• How you choose to respond, depending on what the other person does.

What don’t you have control over?

• Everything else—including what other people say, do, or think.

So far, so good. Once you’ve identified what you can control in your situation…

How do you set clean boundaries with the “mosquitoes” in your life?

If you are like me, you find it particularly tricky to set boundaries with people you are close to. Understandably, we are afraid of making a stink. We don’t want to risk the relationship going downhill. When that fear comes up, it helps to remind ourselves of the truth: the relationship might go downhill if we stick up for something we need, but it might not. In fact, the opposite may well happen: the relationship will grow stronger and we will feel better in it. On the other hand, if we don’t set boundaries, we will certainly become resentful.

As you ponder your particular boundary challenges, here are five strategies to help you maintain connection without being a doormat.

1—Maintain an aikido stance, energetically

You can try this physically, to see what it feels like energetically. Move your legs shoulder width apart in a sturdy stance, one hand extended, palm up, the other with the palm facing away in a blocking motion. You get to decide, moment by moment, which leads: the “no” of the blocking hand, or the receptivity of the palm-up hand. You can maintain openness precisely because you are willing to “block” when needed: to say “That’s as much as I’m willing to talk about this topic right now. Can we change the subject? Or should I go do something else?”

2—Express empathy

When the other person says something you strongly disagree with, resist the temptation to react, explain, or try to educate them. Instead, simply reflect back what they said. “Ah. So for you, it’s inconceivable I would even think of driving all that way.” In doing this, you are respecting their opinion, without agreeing with it. This is actually not hard to do when you trust yourself you won’t give in.

3—Use the broken record technique

You may need this if the person repeats their assertions. “Yes, I get it that you simply can’t imagine why I’m driving all that way. Yet that is what I plan to do.” Or you can use it if they refuse to change the subject: “Can we change the subject? Sounds like maybe not, and I should go do something else?”

4—Give yourself the flexibility to respond in the moment, based on your moment-by-moment assessment of your capacity

You don’t have to decide in advance what you will say. Nor do you need to respond the same way every time a persistent boundary-pusher does their thing. On Monday, you might have a lot of patience and humor, and you can empathize repeatedly with your “mosquito”. On Thursday, your fuse may be short because you didn’t sleep well the night before. In that case, you might have to excuse yourself after a single round of interaction. You can make nuanced decisions in the moment, based on how resourced you feel.

5—Prepare yourself for an extinction burst.

If you are setting clean boundaries for the first time, the other person will test you. Are you serious? There’s only one way they can find out. They will go into overdrive, looking for holes in your screen. When this happens, it feels like things are getting worse. In reality, their reaction is a sign that you’ve set a boundary. You can stay calm and let the boundary do the work for you.

Boundary setting is an art. It requires practice. You’ll know you’re moving in the right direction when you see your resentment levels dropping around your favorite “mosquito.” Once your screens are tight, you no longer need to resort to labeling the other person as narcissistic, immature, entitled, selfish, privileged, desperate, clueless, or whatever. It’s a great feeling to be able to respect yourself by saying  “No,” without demonizing the other person.

Photo by Erik Karits on Unsplash

Note: This newsletter is 100% human.  I wrote it, with no AI assistance.