In the last Listening Post I talked about “love as a feeling” vs “love as a need.” When you see love as a need, you are empowered to meet that need for yourself or for others.
However, in love relationships and in other areas of our lives, many HSPs find it challenging to acknowledge our needs, let alone be forthright in asking others to help us get them met. We even try to make our needs disappear by ignoring or discounting them. This is a problem because unacknowledged and chronically unmet needs lead to tension, resentment, and disconnection in our relationships.
In this 20-minute video, I describe three common blocks to asking for what you need and offer personal examples of these blocks and their solutions. I hope this will empower you to ask for help getting your needs met.
But first, I’ll explain the original source of these stumbling blocks: the concept I ruefully call “the universal human mistake.” If you are making “the universal human mistake,” as I was for many years (and still do sometimes!), this in itself may be a revelation for you:
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Yes, yes, yes – this is exactly it!!
Thank you Emily…. NOW I understand!!
That’s great Sarah! And I’d be interested to hear which piece fell into place for you here, that you didn’t understand before.
I have always struggled to understand how another person can shout at me and then expect me to not be bothered by it. But when you explained that it is a ‘universal human mistake’ to assume that others see things in the same way as we do, that helped me to realise that what I am experiencing is not the same for the other person. It also helped me to hear you explain why it is then daunting for me to bring this up with the other person – because I am thinking they are either clueless or malicious. This is so true! I have always seen myself as a wimp, that I need to change something about myself. I also realise from what you said that I ignore my own needs, expect others to know what they are and to meet them, and seek validation of them from others. I need to work on becoming aware of what my needs are, so that I can start to acknowledge them and act on them, like you say. I learnt so much from everything you said – thank you!
You are very welcome Sarah. I wish I had understood this about the ‘universal human mistake’ so much sooner…that you have not been honoring your own needs. There really is truth in the idea that we sometimes have to teach other people how to treat us, and if you don’t know how you want to be treated, or discount or ignore those feelings, then it’s hard to let anyone else know either!
This is exactly what I needed to hear.
Thank you
You are welcome Lu. As with Sarah, I’m curious how this issue has impacted you if you’d like to say anything about that.
Emily,
I feel validated by your words. I haven’t known why the relationship with my husband has been so difficult in our 20 year marriage. He had me convinced for many years that I was “beyond the end of the curve bell for OCD” because so many things annoy me. It was always my fault and I was broken.
After 10 years of that I just decided that I was broken and a bitch but I needed to be that way.
In the last 5 years I’ve been learning to stay grounded and after I was given your link maybe a year ago I can say YES I AM different but I’m not BAD.
And it’s workable!
I’m going to share this episode with him because we just returned from 15 days in Europe and your stories could be the same stories I would tell.
I’m still feeling into how I can stand up for my needs and be kind in doing so.
Lu, thank you so much for sharing more with me. To be “feeling into how I can stand up for my needs and be kind in doing so” is a good place to be. It is a learning curve because the feeling of doing that is a “missing experience” for many of us. Once you get what you are going for, you can start to make progress!
So, Emily, how do I become a better “bloodhound” for figuring out my own needs?
Jude, can’t believe I never answered your question here!:) To be a better “bloodhound,” it does help to develop a “literacy” of feelings and needs. There’s a feelings/needs list posted on the Resources page here. And it helps just to pause and ask yourself, “What am I needing here? Right now?” I’ve had to learn to do that…it took me a while to realize this but I tend to use solitude as a major strategy for meeting my needs. That is, I tell myself, “I’ll wait until I’m alone, then I can______” (because, among other reasons, it won’t upset or inconvenience anyone else.) It’s powerful to ask, “If I could have/do/be whatever I wanted right now, what would it be?” then figure out what the need is under that.
Thank you for you video,I will definitely check out the rest of the videos and articles. I came across inner bonding a week ago and that is after years of dealing and trying to “fix” myself and also having a narcissist ex boyfriend. I finally feel like I see a light how to make my life better for myself as this way of looking at things – not assuming the other knows or understands (unless I explain),digging deeper in my feelings not running away from them or drowning them in destructive habits, sounds like something I can work on.
I’m together with a partner whom I’ve taken from granted..for years he has pointed out (in a caring way) that I’m highly sensitive and also defensive in conflict situations.
I have always assumed I can just say voila and my mind will find a good path. But since getting to know about inner bonding and accepting my own sensitivity and now also reflecting on universal human mistake I do feel relieved. Relieved knowing that there are people who have felt similar and have found the way to work it out.
Agnes, that is great news that you see a light at the end of the self-care tunnel…and yes, you can “be with” your feelings without drowning in them…that is what Inner Bonding and Focusing can help you do. It sounds like you have a loving partner too, which really helps. Welcome to the site and I hope the other articles and videos are useful for you too…let me know if there’s any way I can be of support!