With the latest research on HSP vantage sensitivity, we have a powerful tool to care for ourselves better as HSPs.

I have an ache in the center of my chest. I’ve felt this way off and on since last week when I called the animal shelter to ask about surrendering Arjuna, the street cat we’ve been informally fostering for the past seven weeks.

We’ve done everything we can for Arjuna. His fever, worms, and ear mites are gone. He has been neutered, chipped, and vaccinated. Best of all, he’s much more kittenish and energetic now. He will take you up on any offer to play, which he wouldn’t do before: the poor thing must have been miserable.

Unfortunately, he’s now biting us more than ever. We’ve tried distractions, lots and lots of play, and even clicker training, which he loves (as do I.) It’s not working. He craves the release of biting, and actually seeks us out to do it. This happens many times each day. We end up putting him in the bathroom in order to be able to function in the house, which only frustrates him more.

The shelter behavioral specialist believes some of this is misplaced play aggression, from not having been properly socialized as a kitten. But a huge component is frustration and overstimulation (ironic, for a cat being cared for by two HSPs.) He’s used to being on the streets, master of himself. Now he’s inside, being told what he can and can’t do. He’s not happy.

I’ve been struggling, too, so I could relate when I read about Dr. Michael Pluess’s recently published research about HSPs (highly sensitive people) and vantage sensitivity. He describes how stressful life events hit us harder than people who aren’t highly sensitive. I have felt this impact during these six weeks with Arjuna.

The upside of vantage sensitivity

To come to love him and care about Arjuna, while slowly realizing we cannot possibly give him the home he needs, has broken my heart. I cried when this finally sank in. I have Focusing now, which helped hugely, and I have a lot of support, and it was still hard to allow these intense feelings pass through me.

I think this ability to let the waves of emotion wash over you, without resisting them, is key to being a sane, happy HSP. They say that “what you resist, persists.” It’s true. As a wise mentor of mine put it, “Just allow yourself to have what you’re having.”

Being sensitive isn’t only about dealing with more pain, though. Dr. Pluess’s research also confirmed a heartening fact we’ve known about HSPs. He showed an uplifting video to both HSPs and non HSPs, then made these observations:

While all participants reported feeling happier after watching the video, those who scored higher on the sensitivity scale showed a much greater increase in positive mood… This suggests that highly sensitive people are not only more affected by negative situations but also more likely to benefit from positive ones. It confirms what we call Vantage Sensitivity (2)—sensitive individuals don’t just face more challenges, they also stand to gain more from uplifting experiences.

A skeptic might say, “Great. I’m That’s like beating your head against the wall then being happy about how good it feels when you stop. I’d rather just give up being so affected by negative situations.” I get it.

Unfortunately, you can’t give up your HSP trait, any more than a leopard can give up its spots. However, in addition to the skills you need to manage the tougher side of sensitivity, here are four steps you can take to maximize the positive side:

1—Become aware of your narrative

When something painful or “bad” happens, notice what you are telling yourself about it. My lowest moments last week were caused by a story I was telling myself. I believed the animal shelter was like a train station with only one set of tracks leaving the building— straight to the animal death camps.

In the world of that story, only two possible outcomes existed. Either we kept going with our increasingly stressful attempt to accustom Arjuna to life inside, or we sent him to his death. No wonder I felt stricken.

Thank God for the friend who pointed out this black and white thinking. As soon as I saw it, my whole body relaxed. In the coming days, I learned that our local shelter, amazingly, is considered one of the best in the country. Arjuna has options.

With his constant need to hunt and forage, he might be a perfect fit for the “working cat” program offered by the shelter, which would place him somewhere like a farm, a greenhouse, or a warehouse. Or he might even be able to be an indoor/outdoor cat with the right family.

2—Be kind to yourself

This might sound blindingly obvious. However, I need to be reminded over and over that kindness is an option. Think of how wonderful it feels when you’re feeling awful and a friend or loved one says something kind to you. You can choose to treat yourself this way.

This relates closely to the narrative you are applying to your situation. Is it a kind narrative? Does it give you the benefit of the doubt? Is it appreciative of all you’ve done?

It’s worth the effort to choose a kinder narrative for yourself, because our HSP vantage sensitivity amplifies the effects on us of any kindness we receive, whether it’s internal or external. Describing the implications of his research on mental health care for HSPs, Dr. Pluess writes, “Whether it’s showing acts of kindness or offering words of encouragement, sensitive individuals may find these moments have a stronger impact on their overall well-being.”

No wonder I felt so much better after talking to a kind, supportive woman in the behavioral department at the shelter. She offered sincere appreciation for all we had done for Arjuna, and empathy for the challenges we’d been having with him. Talking to her helped me shift to a kinder view of the efforts we’ve made on his behalf. I could see all we’ve done to help him, instead of focusing on the “failure” of not being able to keep him.

3—Take time to savor what is happening

I’ve written a whole article about how to practice taking in the good, here. In this area, an HSP can get way more “bang for the buck” than a non-HSP. We can get a deep, complex pleasure from life, not only from simple joy but that feeling that author Susan Cain calls “bittersweet” in her book of that title.

Bittersweet is a piercing, complex feeling, and there is an even deeper kind of joy that comes from feeling that complexity. Yes, it hurts. It’s also wonderful and alive. I get that feeling when I play with Arjuna and admire his magnificent stripes, or marvel at the deep, velvety black of the backs of his paws, or laugh out loud when he somersaults on the way to pounce on his stuffed squirrel.

In other words, I feel love and delight. But I’m also aware that any day now, the shelter will call to set a date to bring him in. My time with him is limited. So my heart breaks each time I admire his green eyes and know that there is going to be a last time I see them.

4—Turn to spiritual practice

In the end, I need my spiritual practice to help me hold all this: the “good,” the “bad,” the “beautiful,” the “ugly.” All these terms emerge from my judgments. Each one blossoms into a different narrative.

No doubt, I benefit from choosing a more positive narrative. However, by becoming more and more mindful of my thoughts, I can eventually cut all narratives off at the root. Any movement in this direction brings me more freedom.

I personally need to go even further, beyond mindfulness to a spiritual practice that helps me commune daily with the divine. Only within that communion does life make sense to me. It’s there that I find my way forward. The divine shows up in our lives as truth, beauty, and goodness. Perhaps our keen response to these qualities explains the innate spirituality HSPs share.

In the meantime, to loosen my grip on my narratives and to remind me how little I actually know, I employ the simple technique of owning my stories. To do this, I use the phrase, “I’m making up that _______.”

Try this the next time you are about to make a statement. Unless you are absolutely, 100% sure that your statement is true, add “I’m making up that____” in front of it:

• “I’m making up that you are angry at me.”
• “I’m making up that this whole situation is hopeless.
• “I’m making up that we have to keep Arjuna, or be responsible for his death.”

And so on. This way, you can have your narrative, while being aware that you have it. When you do that, you get your foot in the door to a different reality where infinite possibilities exist. And you can leverage the positive side of your HSP vantage sensitivity to help you feel better.

Image: ©2024 Emily Agnew