Relationship changes can be particularly gut-wrenching for highly sensitive people. But you can manage them.

Imagine you live in a small, remote town in northern Sweden. Your entire economy is built on the deep seam of iron ore that lies directly beneath the town.

You’ve dug very deep. In fact, you face a crisis. If you dig any more, the town will collapse. But if you stop digging, massive layoffs will follow.

What would you do?

In the June 2015 issue of The Atlantic magazine, I came across the fascinating story of the mining town of Kiruna.

The short version is this: the entire population of Kiruna—18,200 people— had agreed on a plan to move several miles east…over a period of 85 years.

Wow. I’m awestruck by this level of long-term thinking. It is becoming rare in our world, to our detriment. But if anyone can and will think this way, highly sensitive people (HSPs) can and will. We are naturally wired to take a long-term view, and to consider all the implications of such a view.

Reading this story, I realized there is much that HSPs can learn from the people of Kiruna about the art of handling massive changes with grace. Here are three pieces of wisdom I’m taking from our neighbors in the far north:

1—Sometimes, moving on is the only solution

With our penchant for depth, HSPs can invest rapidly and deeply in relationships. Only later do we begin to sense that the foundations aren’t solid. But we really want things to work out, and we are terrified of the conflict and chaos that can result when a relationship ends. So we ignore, overlook or minimize the signs of trouble.

Over time, though, our anxiety climbs. Eventually, we are forced to face the reason why: the ground is shaky under our feet. Relationship instability is extremely hard on HSPs. We need a stable, harmonious environment to thrive. Sometimes, that means big changes.

In my first marriage, the signs of irreconcilable incompatibility were there from the moment we met. I ignored them. I was deeply insecure. I was scared I wouldn’t survive on my own, financially or emotionally. I did not yet know how to take responsibility for myself. I wanted someone else to take care of me.

Needless to say, this was not a healthy foundation for a marriage. We struggled, even before the wedding. I minimized this in my mind, and I dug deep to try to make it work. But after 13 years, I had to face reality. I was depressed and physically ill, to the point that—like the townspeople of Kiruna—I was in danger of catastrophic collapse if I stayed.

2—Creating a positive vision makes all the difference

Big changes, even good ones, can be gut-wrenching. You must know why you are making them if you are to sustain the courage it takes to carry through.

The citizens of Kiruna have created an extraordinary vision for the town’s future. They asked themselves what mattered most to them. Together, they decided to focus on creating a more walkable layout for their new town, along with a vibrant new town square, and easier access to the beautiful forest surrounding the town. This vision will carry them through the wrenching process of demolishing whole streets of familiar buildings.

It is no exaggeration to say that I felt demolished when I left the marriage. But I knew the kind of intimate relationship I wanted, both for myself and as a model for my son. This vision carried me through the upheaval of multiple moves and job changes after I left the marriage.

I didn’t know it when I left, but I had already met the man who has now been my partner for 24 years. Each of us was instrumental in supporting the other through a painful divorce.

3—Some things are worth taking with you

In Kiruna, the citizens have chosen to take apart, move, then reassemble two of their most beloved buildings: a clock tower, and a century-old church. In the midst of many drastic changes, those two structures will remain the same.

I, too, walked away from nearly all the collected objects of thirteen years of marriage. But I did ask for two things. One was a vacuum cleaner. That may sound nuts to you. But although my sensitive nervous system usually quails around vacuum cleaners, this is a super-quiet, high-quality German one that is actually fun to use. It’s pretty battered looking, but still going strong. Who knew a vacuum could last for 35 years?

The other was a set of fine china my then-husband and I had stumbled upon at a garage sale when we first moved to Rochester from Hawaii. I had moved house every year for years before that. I had almost no possessions aside from my oboe equipment and my clothes. To me, that china meant I was finally ready to live like a grownup—even if we only got it out twice a year for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

One of the first pieces of furniture my partner and I acquired when we moved into our house was—you guessed it— a china cabinet. You can’t imagine the joy and peace I felt when we put the china into it for the first time. I knew I finally had a home that was stable—emotionally and physically.

Loving relationships: my solid ground

I feel a quiet happiness (literally!) every time I use that vacuum cleaner. And I still feel a special kind of joy each time I take the special china out of its cabinet to set the table for company, or a birthday, or a holiday meal.

In the end, though, these objects are symbols of something far more important. They represent the kind of life I want to live. It’s a life in which I can flourish, which allows me in turn to hold a loving, nurturing space for my family, my friends, and my clients that supports them to flourish, too. That’s the vision that got me through many years of challenges, and to finally have realized that vision is sweet indeed.

Are you facing wrenching relationship changes in your life? Then think of Kiruna:

• Allow yourself to consider moving on if you need to—even, and especially, if the thought terrifies you. Many sensitive people are afraid of trying to manage on their own. However, facing that fear will give you strength if you do decide you must leave. And it will make the relationship better if you decide to stay.
• Hold on to the vision of the life you want. It will serve as a lifeline for you when the process of change feels overwhelming.
• Travel light. Decide what is most important to you. Take that with you and leave the rest behind. Whatever you take or leave, remember that your relationships are more important than anything else.

Last, but not least, remember that changes take as long as they take. If you catch yourself feeling ashamed that you aren’t “over it” as quickly as you think you should be, be gentle with yourself. Relationship changes are hard for everybody. For HSPs, they are downright seismic. Remember: when your world is shaken up, start by taking the long view of your situation. Then put one foot in front of the other in service of peace and stability in your life.

Photo of northern Sweden: Fredrik Öhlander on Unsplash
Note: This article is an updated version of the one that originally appeared here on November 2, 2015.