SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: The 35th HSP Gathering Retreat is coming up soon in the Catskill Mountains of New York, September 30 to October 4, 2018, and I’m honored to be one of Gathering founder Jacquelyn Strickland’s co-hosts along with Jadzia Jagiellowiz. I’ve shared below the article I wrote after attending a Gathering in September, 2016, to give you a sense of the kind of experience you might have, should you decide to attend this Gathering or a future one: Jacquelyn leads Gatherings twice a year, in the US, Europe and the UK.
But first a few words to encourage you to consider attending the Gathering, beginning with a note about this recommendation, and about my recommendations generally: I only recommend things I’ve experienced myself, and I don’t do paid endorsements. I won’t profit if you decide to come (aside from getting to meet you, which would be great.) Rather, I’m offering information about the Gathering as an HSP wanting to let fellow HSPs know about an experience that could be transformative for you.
3 reasons HSPs need to hang out with other HSPs:
1—It helps us perceive how strong the pull is on us to adjust ourselves to the culture of the nonsensitive majority. I can tell you all day that that pull is operating on you, but until you’ve sat in a room full of HSPs and felt the absence of that pull, you can’t truly appreciate how strong it is. It’s a remarkable experience, and once you’ve felt the difference, that pull will never have quite the same power over you again.
2—It’s good for our sensitive souls: we can relax in a way we may never have relaxed before, letting go of any fear of being judged, dismissed, ridiculed, or patronized.
3—Our sensitive “Ugly Duckling” stance begins to heal. If you’ve had trouble seeing your own worth and value, or feel like there is something wrong with you, you will find yourself remarking on the worth and value of all the HSPs around you and beginning to ask yourself, “If each of them is unique and wonderful, why not me as well?”And you don’t have to do intense emotional processing to get that healing: merely by being surrounded by swans, you realize you too are a swan.
Click here for full information about this unique opportunity to hang out with other HSPs. The October HSP Gathering is scheduled from Sunday September 4 through Thursday October 4, 2018 at the beautiful Menla Mountain Retreat Center in New York State’s Catskill Mountains.
Special note: Elaine Aron, the psychologist who first identified the HSP trait, will join the group by Skype in Wednesday to talk about “The Shadow Side of Belonging.”
And read on to for a first-person account of what like to attend a Gathering:
Emily’s Excellent Adventure: The 32nd HSP Gathering in Michigan
I set out for Michigan on September 23, 2016, a bit concerned about the long drive as this was my first solo adventure in a while. But I needn’t have worried: the trip was a blast. What’s not to like about nine hours straight of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on CD, guilt-free? Then, in an impressive display of self-control, I hit the pause button long enough to attend the 32nd annual five-day HSP Gathering in Fennville.
Fennville is a small town close to the southeast shoreline of Lake Michigan. This lovely area, with fields full of sunflowers, raspberries, blueberries, pumpkins, and grapes, is home to the Sundance Center, where Ulla Frederiksen, her co-teacher Penny, and her herd of five horses practice equine-assisted therapy—a special feature of this Gathering.
I knew that Jacquelyn Strickland would be co-hosting the Gathering with Ulla, that we’d be spending a whole day with Ulla’s horses, and that we didn’t need to know how to ride. Other than that, I had no idea what to expect—from the horses, the people, or the Gathering itself.
What happens when you put 21 sensitive people in a room?
I found out our first evening what happens when you put 21 sensitive people in a room. It was great. First we got the lighting worked out so no one had a bare bulb in their eyes. Then we tracked down the annoyingly distracting hum we were all hearing: the pool filter. What a relief to take care of these environmental adjustments without fuss and without fear of judgment. No one said, “Hum? What hum? I don’t hear a hum. You must be imagining it.”
Once we were all comfortable, we began to share, filling in the blanks: “I found out about HSP when_____…and since then, I have__________.” Some of us had known for 18 years, others for a only few months. People shared in a thoughtful, heartfelt, quiet way, until one woman said, “I hope this doesn’t offend anyone…but….I found out about HSP when I googled, “Why am I so f—ing sensitive?!”
We all burst out laughing, and at that moment we became a sympathetic group. Who among us had not wondered why we were so f—ing sensitive, or had “Why are you so f—in g sensitive?!” thrown at us by someone else? The relief in the group was palpable: we all sensed that here, you welcome to be real. You are welcome to be intense. And you are not only welcome but encouraged to be honest and vulnerable.
Understanding HSP’s as a subculture
In our culture, sensitive people frequently do not feel free be their real, intense, honest, vulnerable selves. We learn to edit ourselves, tone it down, and hold back for fear of being judged, and this takes a toll on us. This is why Jacquelyn Strickland founded the HSP Gatherings back in 2000 with Elaine Aron, the psychologist who first identified the HSP trait. Discussing the needs of HSP’s with Elaine, Jacquelyn found herself framing sensitivity as a cultural diversity issue, emphasizing our need for community and connection with other HSP’s in a culture where sensitivity is so easily marginalized or even stigmatized. The first HSP Gathering was born from her desire to meet these HSP needs for community and connection.
For me, Jacquelyn’s cultural diversity awareness exercises at the Gathering were a revelation, offering me a new lens through which to view my experiences as a sensitive person. This broad view has also served to complement the “close-in” Focusing and listening work I do with sensitive clients.
In our mainstream culture, the paradigm of “have, do, be” predominates: “Once I have ‘x,’ then I can do ‘y,’ so I can be/feel ‘z.'” We discussed how confused, discouraged, and disconnected HSP’s end up feeling as they try to conform to this materialistic approach to life, and Jacquelyn emphasized that we need to start by defining what truly makes us happy. For HSP’s, that always means living closely connected to our values and beliefs—ours, not necessarily those of the popular culture. We need to define what makes our lives meaningful, and set up our lives so we can focus on that.
My equine guru
For me, meaning comes from my sense of spiritual connection, and I’ve increasingly craved a more direct, palpable experience of that. The horses—our fellow highly sensitive beings—granted my wish.
We observed the dynamics of the herd from a distance, then Ulla and Penny invited us to come closer. One of the horses came directly to me as I stood by the fence. She held her head very close to mine and I leaned my cheek into hers and held my hand on her face. We stood still like that for several minutes.
I could see into her great eye with its soft lashes. My chest filled up like a bubble. I felt as if I had received a divine transmission of love and presence, and somehow given it too. I can’t capture it fully in words, but you can see it in my face in the picture.
A shift of perspective
Coming away from the Gathering, I realized I was seeing my life differently. Even though I’d been happy and content for a number of years —a blessed change after many years of terrible anxiety—I’d still been subtly critical of myself for not being more “successful.” I’d always made enough money to meet my basic needs, but never much more than that, and I’d judged myself f0r not having earned more and for not having achieved the positions, honors, degrees I see peers achieving. The life I live is simple compared to many people.
“Compared to many people….” That’s where I’d been getting snagged. Comparing myself to the mainstream isn’t helpful. The truth is, I have a really good life: a sustainable balance of work and play, company and solitude, structure and flexibility. I have time for spiritual practice, time for friends and family, time for my garden. The way I live works for me, and I’ve experimented patiently for many years to get to this point. It’s an ongoing process, and hanging out with a group of HSP’s who are also thoughtfully, passionately engaged in that process was very heartening and helped me focus with appreciation on what I have done, rather than what I haven’t done.
I’m profoundly grateful for that experience: and to Jacquelyn, Ulla, Penny, to my 18 sensitive human companions, and to our sensitive equine gurus for the Gathering and all the richness that came out of it. Thank you all!
For information about future HSP Gatherings, contact Jacquelyn Strickland.
Just in case you didn’t notice….in the ‘click here’ paragraph the dates listed for the Gathering are Sept 4 to October 4….wow, I thought .
a month long with other HSP’s! I reread the article and realize it is Sept 30 to October 4.
What a wonderful experience this must be. A couple years ago I met my father’s cousin’s wife. I had met her previously, but there were many other relatives in the group. This time it was just her and I going for a short stroll. I sensed a connection to her, but didn’t know until this year that it is because we are both HSP. We live 10 hours apart, so so far our visits have been by phone. But what a wonderful experience. She is the only other HSP person I know. She thinks her granddaughter may be HSP. But the sad part is for those of us to don’t realize we are HSP until later in life, we carry much hurt from the non HSP world into our new relationships. This must get intense in a gathering of other HSPs. There is a risk of being more vulnerable than we want to be because we are surrounded by other sensitive people.
I live in Canada. I’m not one to travel to the USA, but hopefully I will find more HSP people to enjoy. I am trying to determine if my nephew is HSP. He is 19. I will probably pass on some HSP books to him and find one written for men, so that if he recognizes any traits, or decides to have children , he can be alerted to this, as the trait is hereditary as Dr. Aron states. I have no idea who I inherited this trait from. My mother may be HSP but an extrovert. I would need to ask her the HSP quiz questions.
I connected with my cats. They would stand on me and place their forehead against mine. They have since passed on and what an emptiness in my life. When I had my gallbladder removed I was in much physical discomfort for weeks. I have a photo of my two cats sprawled over me as I lay in bed almost as if they were trying to absorb my pain and at the same time looking at me as if to ask…’are you still going to be able to feed us’?
After the last one passed on, I went to our local animal shelter and rocked some of the cats that were up for adoption because I missed my cats so much. Maybe some day I will adopt another cat.
HI S, yes, hanging out with other HSPs is a really important experience. We can be really different from each other in many ways, but there is a kind of presence you feel in a group of HSPs—a stillness—that is palpable. Dr. Aron comments on what it’s like to give talks to a room full of HSPs: you can hear a pin drop. You don’t need dozens of people who “get” this about you: just a few. But those few are essential.