Boundary-setting is a skill I learned the hard way. By “boundary-setting,” I mean the art of being honest with yourself and others about what you need and what you are and aren’t willing to do. This is easier said than done: our sense of what we are and aren’t responsible for can get very cloudy.
In this 9-minute video I share the story of a series of stressful household moves I went through fifteen years ago. During that time, I came to three key realizations about the relationship between boundaries, acceptance and control. And I saw how my happiness depended on my ability to put into action what I had learned:
My thoughts when I read the title of this blog are…..
my life experiences have set some of my boundaries for me automatically.
I haven’t had to put much conscious effort into setting these boundaries.
It’s been a matter of do I want to experience more emotional or mental pain if I don’t follow these boundaries.
For myself, I’ve had my personal boundaries ignored and overlooked for so many years by others, because I was a people pleaser, that I have little tolerance when others disregard my boundaries now.
When others do disregard my boundaries and I can’t change the situation physically (like leaving the social event, declining certain foods)….I change it verbally. I provide the person who has ignored my boundaries with verbal discomfort, in an intelligent and polite way, with the hopes that they will realize the importance of me needing my boundaries respected.
If I don’t get that respect and the person continues to disregard my boundaries I just continue to make their experience more uncomfortable by the words I say.
This is a new technique for me, but intelligence and intuition are my strengths, so it is better to tap into these assets to assert myself. In the end my mental and emotional health always ‘wins’ because whether my boundaries were respected or not , I have spoken up for myself.
HI Suzanne, I get it that it is a step forward for you to speak up even if it makes others uncomfortable…and in this case, especially in order to make others uncomfortable! Unfortunately there are situations in which nothing you say changes what the other person is doing. That’s why my emphasis with boundaries is on things I can do to take car e of myself that do not require the other person to do (or not do) anything, simply because the reality is that I can’t control other people.