If you often find yourself waking up anxious, a proactive approach will make a big difference in breaking the pattern.

When my son was a tiny baby, I carried him everywhere in a cloth sling close to my chest. He slept contentedly, curled up and out of sight, while I grocery shopped.

All this changed when he hit the advanced age of five months. Suddenly, he had a keen interest in the outside world. Arriving at the grocery store one day, and seeing that he was wide awake, I decided to let him “ride” sitting up in the sling.

He looked ridiculously cute, with his legs crossed and folded up to his chest and his head peeping out. We hadn’t gotten past the green beans before a smitten stranger approached. “What a cutie!” he exclaimed. Then he asked, “Where is the rest of him?!”

This was the first time I’d fielded that question, but it was by no means the last. I showed the stranger how my son was pretzeled into the sling. He went off smiling, highly amused by my son’s Gumby-ish flexibility.

Cal and I continued our shopping. I’d grab things we needed. He’d attempt to grab things he wanted. In short, we were having a lot of fun…until he started to get tired, hungry, and overstimulated from all the excitement.

Public upsets are my personal HSP nightmare. I broke into a sweat. Should I leave with my shopping unfinished? Or risk a full meltdown in the checkout line? I imagined my fellow shoppers thinking, “What are you doing to that poor baby?!”

In the end, we stayed. He melted down. I did, too—internally. I didn’t howl, but underneath my puffy coat, I was soaked in stress-induced perspiration.

Becoming proactive

As soon as I got home, I took a breath. I realized how stressed I was feeling. Clearly, I needed to look into this. Otherwise we’d all starve to death because I couldn’t face going to the grocery store.

I didn’t yet have the awareness to wonder why my son’s crying had caused me such intense distress. I just assumed any mother would react that way. But I did take a step in the right direction. I asked myself,

“How can I head this off at the pass next time?!”

With this deceptively simple question, I entered a new world. I became proactive as a parent. I pondered the timing of my son’s naps, his nursing, the time of day we went shopping, the length of the outing. I considered everything might have contributed to the Great Grocery Meltdown.

By adopting the stance of a curious observer, I empowered myself to respond to the situation in a new way… and this new way of responding, as it turns out, has everything to do with that dreaded HSP experience of waking up anxious.

For one thing, any time you get activated, this observant, curious attitude can give you immediate relief: specifically, relief from the awful helplessness of feeling like a victim of your own nervous system. Choosing how you respond makes you feel less powerless.

Of course, if you do wake up anxious, you’ll want to do whatever you can to salvage your day. But don’t stop there. Invite your brain into “wondering” mode. It will respond by collecting observations and generating creative solutions.

To invoke curiosity, try asking yourself simple questions. “What contributes to this problem? What might I do differently?” Here are three ways I’ve applied this attitude to help me sleep better and wake up relaxed.

1—Analyze what you did the night before

To be proactive, you need to observe your actions then consider the feelings and needs motivating them. Look back at the night before and consider questions like these:

• Did I watch TV last night? How close to my bedtime did I watch? What kind of program was it?
• Did I drink alcohol last night? How much? How close to my bedtime did I drink it?
• What did I eat last night? Did I eat after dinner?
• Did I ingest caffeine yesterday? How much, and what time?
• What kinds of interactions did I have with other people yesterday? Was anything left unresolved? If so, does it seem to be affecting the anxiety I felt when I woke up?

The results of your observations will be unique to you. For example, we can generally state that HSPs are sensitive to caffeine. However, the degree of sensitivity can vary greatly from one HSP to another. I can’t drink coffee or tea at all after mid-day, or I’ll sleep poorly that night. My partner is highly sensitive too, but caffeine doesn’t seem to affect him.

Nor is his sleep affected by watching something intense or violent on TV. No matter what he has watched, he can go upstairs, lie, down, and conk out. I can’t. The last time I watched a violent movie in the evening—The Hurt Locker, a movie about a bomb disposal team operating in Iraq—I was up half the night.

Never again. I gained useful information that night. For me, even a Best Picture Oscar isn’t worth it—if it’s violent. This kind of observing and experimenting is the essence of proactive self-care for a highly sensitive person.

2—Take steps to go to sleep feeling at peace

If you fall asleep anxious, you are much more likely to wake up anxious. Therefore, your first step is to take a few minutes before bed simply to notice how you are feeling. For me, this requires clear intention, because for many years, ignoring my body feelings was a central coping strategy. However, If I pause and ask myself how I’m doing, my body gives me clear answers.

If you try this, be sure to include any notable emotional events from your day, not just distressing ones. (You might be surprised to hear that unacknowledged celebrations can keep you awake, not just unacknowledged stresses.) Then take time to briefly acknowledge each item that has come up.

How do you acknowledge a feeling or an internal reaction? Simply describe it. Start with “I’m sensing…” End with, “…and I’m here with that.”

I’m thinking about that situation at work. I’m sensing something in my stomach that feels queasy…and I’m here with that.

Ugh, yeah, I got billed way too much for that medical appointment. I’m sensing an urgent feeling about that, like I need to take care of it now…and I’m here with that.

I’m sensing how incredibly relieved I am to have completed going through those papers on my desk…and I’m here with that.

We will never come to moment in our lives when everything is complete, resolved, and cleaned up. In fact, hoping for this impossible moment only makes you more anxious. When you acknowledge the truth—namely, that these feelings are here, that you are with them, and that the best thing to do right now is to go to sleep—you will feel your anxiety diminish. You will also be more likely to sleep peacefully and wake up feeling peaceful.

3—Identify “the best thing that happened today”

Last, but not least, even a brief expression of something positive before you sleep can help you sleep better and to wake up feeling more peaceful. I love the question, “What was the best thing that happened today?” Most days, there will be at least one thing you truly feel happy about. Sometimes a small herd of events will canter into your memory, competing for the title of “best thing today.”

Don’t flog gratitude, though. That feels horrible. If you’ve had a terrible day, don’t pressure yourself to be chipper. It’s plenty just to say, “I’m so glad this day is over. That’s the only good thing I can say about it.”

The power of this practice lies in the perspective it gives you. When I say “perspective,” though, I don’t mean, “Oh, I shouldn’t feel bad about that situation at work because at least I’m not being shot at.” I’m intensely grateful I’m not being shot at, but making that kind of comparison rarely helps me feel better.

Instead, find something you feel genuinely happy about. Shifting your focus this way gives you an essential counterbalance to your innate negativity bias. We humans are hard-wired to look for pain and threat. We are capable of thinking more positively, but we have to make a conscious choice to do that.

Making this choice right before bed can powerfully affect you. You are, in effect, telling your mind and body, “Thanks, I know you are trying to keep me safe by dwelling on everything that is wrong. Let’s also take a moment to acknowledge the truth that there are good things going on here, too.”

If you too often find yourself waking up anxious, try this and see what effect it has.

Image: ©2024 Emily Agnew

Note: This post is an expanded version of the article that originally appeared here on July 15, 2018.