The news about HSPs and aging is nuanced and complex. One thing is certain, though: your self-care has a major effect on your physical and mental health as you age.

I received a thoughtful email from a reader some months ago, commenting that she’d had a hard time finding information online about highly sensitive people (HSPs) and aging. She wondered if I’d be willing to write about the issues that come up for us as we get older.

I hesitated. This is a big topic. HSPs come in all shapes and sizes, and our circumstances vary widely. That’s one reason why even Dr. Elaine Aron—who literally wrote the books on high sensitivity, and who herself is approaching 80—has declined to write much on this. In a recent blog post, she tartly remarked that —

Although I have been asked many times to write something for “older HSPs,” how we in particular may experience aging and the problems that come with it, I have resisted, resisted, resisted. So many people my age are obsessed with this stuff. Honestly, I have always thought the subject boring. We are all getting older. So what?

Considering she feels this way, I appreciated that Dr. Aron went on to offer a list of practical suggestions to improve your outcomes in the event you should be hospitalized—a topic inspired by her own recent series of short hospital stays.

Of course, this wisdom about medical care could apply for younger HSPs, too. I’ve discovered the same is true of the insights I will offer here. In other words, I believe HSPs of all ages will find food for thought in any exploration of the HSP aging process.

Research shows HSPs mellow as we age

A Japanese study has shown that neuroticism and ease of excitation actually decrease as HSPs get older. At the same time, aesthetic sensitivity “increases linearly with age.”(The italics are mine.) In other words, as we age, we can become less anxious and reactive, and more open to beauty. How wonderful.

These results mirror my own experience. I have gotten calmer, less anxious, and more centered as I’ve gotten older. I’ve always been deeply moved by beauty, but I think I can enjoy that piercing feeling more now that it is no longer overshadowed by anxiety.

Still, the study surprised me. I had firmly believed we all get more sensitive as we get older, and not necessarily in an enjoyable way. I was intrigued to find a Reddit post about this, and even more intrigued when I realized this person was 30-something, not 70-something:

I’m a 31 year old male. As I’m getting older, I feel like my HSP “symptoms” get worse, and I wonder if it’s just me or if you’re experiencing the same thing.

Back in the days I used to be able to go to crowded places without any issues. Back then, I did drink alcohol though, so that surely numbed my feelings. But now that I don’t drink any alcohol anymore I simply can’t stand large crowds….

Next to quitting alcohol I’m now about to quit caffeine as well, since I feel jittery and anxious throughout the day. It’s not worth the extra dose of motivation it gives me. It does make me wonder what’s next.. does everything have to be built around my sensitivity? What happens if I have kids in the future that are running around all day? Will I be able to deal with this?

Learning to accept our trait

I wonder: is this Reddit writer truly getting more sensitive, or is he simply becoming more aware of his own reactions? When I was 30, the latter was the case. One way or another though, I feel for him. He is discovering he can’t lead a “mainstream lifestyle” and feel good. That is tough to accept at any age.

An older HSP replied to him with these words of wisdom:

For myself I found that my HSP got worse as I got older for a long time. The more I disliked my sensitivity, the more I fought against it, tried to change it, repress it the worse it got. The moment I realized that is part of me to my core, started accepting it and trying to learn ways to manage it was the moment it started getting better.

What a perfect summary of the HSP journey—in just three sentences. As long as we don’t accept our sensitivity, our self-care won’t match our true needs. Then we chronically end up frazzled, exhausted, overwhelmed, or numb.

In fact, this poignant Reddit conversation effectively summarizes my wisdom on aging: whatever your age and stage, the key to health and happiness is good self-care. And to offer yourself that, you have to accept your sensitivity. This is not a “one-and-done” thing, either: we must adjust our self-care throughout our lives according to our changing needs.

Does this sound demanding? It is, in a way: it’s with good reason that I’ve compared HSP self-care to dahlia growing: there’s a lot to it. There’s good news here too, though. The better you take care of yourself, the less your sensitivity affects you. You become less reactive, less anxious, more sturdy, and more keenly appreciative of the beauty and goodness in your life—all the positive outcomes reported in that Japanese study.

How variable susceptibility affects HSPs as we age

There is another potent factor that affects HSPs’ well-being as we age. Whatever culture you live in, if you are highly sensitive, you are subject to variable susceptibility. That means you are affected more negatively by negative circumstances, and more positively by positive circumstances, than non-HSPs. If you suffer from unresolved trauma, then your variable susceptibility will affect you, for better or for worse.

Unfortunately, the symptoms of untreated trauma can worsen as people age. In addition, research has shown that experiencing childhood trauma makes the body and brain age faster, and that there is a link between unresolved trauma and dementia. Presumably this would be even more true for HSPs, due to the effect of variable susceptibility.

As always, though, there is a strong positive side to variable susceptibility. HSPs are highly responsive to positive interventions. In other words, if you have experienced trauma and you get skilled support to heal it, you will receive more positive benefit from that support than a non-HSP would. Healing old trauma can transform your life.

In my work—internally and with clients—I’ve found that three positive interventions are essential to address unresolved trauma: a better inner relationship, self-regulation skills, and a sturdy connection to spiritual intuition. A three-legged stool can sit sturdily on any surface, no matter how rough and uneven it is. Likewise, these three self-care “legs,” if you cultivate them over time, will dramatically increase your sturdiness and resilience—even under all kinds of circumstances.

The upshot of all this? Whatever your age, it’s a gift beyond price to your present and future self to establish healthy self-care. Whatever the state of your self-care, compassion for yourself and acceptance of your trait are the key first step. With self-acceptance, self-care, and the right support to establish healthy self-care and heal old trauma, HSPs can actually become happier as we age. Best of all, this is true at any age.

Image ©2024 Emily Agnew