HSPs can’t field others’ rage and remain calm. Can we maintain our peace anyway?

My friend and colleague Mary sent me this comment after reading my recent post, How to shift your attitude towards others’ anger:

My husband’s rage is his default reaction to even minor irritations. He has worked on it for decades with only minor improvement. It is almost never directed AT me, but in my presence, which activates my nervous system just as much. So it’s not the “personal” part for me, like an attack, but my framing it that he doesn’t love or respect me when he keeps doing it when he knows how much it affects me. It’s a work-in-progress to learn to stay calm and “let it wash over me.” I appreciate this post and would welcome more on this subject.

Mary, I hear you asking, “How can I become more Buddha-like in the face of my husband’s rage, especially since I’m constantly upset that he hasn’t made more progress with it, knowing how tough it is on me?” This is a logical, conscientious question. Is it the only possible response, though? Or the most helpful one?

Rage + high sensitivity = nervous system activation

Rage presents a steep challenge for highly sensitive people. I haven’t met an HSP who can field intense anger without getting activated. Mary, you noted that your husband’s rage isn’t directed at you. You can tell your body this, but it won’t help. Rage is intense, and HSPs are energetically sensitive.

Our bodies react instinctively to rage, just as they react to a sudden loud noise. Have you felt your body stiffen when an angry driver passes you on the highway? Their rage isn’t directed at you specifically, but you feel it.

In addition to this instinctive response, you may have a history of challenging experiences with others’ rage which intensifies your reactions. I do. When I was in sixth grade, I came home half an hour late from an outing with a friend. My father must have been waiting for me, because the moment I opened the front door, he rushed down the stairs, red-faced and raging. He grabbed me and spanked me. I was terrified. I hadn’t been spanked in years, and I’d never seen him like that. (I never saw him like that again. He later expressed great sorrow and regret to me for what happened.)

Beginning that night, I froze in the face of others’ anger. I also became vigilant. A part of me kept watch for any sign someone might turn on me and attack me, especially people close to me. This part went to any length to avoid anger—my own as well as others’. Years passed before I found a healthier way to handle conflict. My relationships suffered during that time.

Try asking new questions

Let’s be clear: a raging person is irrational. Your nervous system puts you on guard around irrational behavior for good reason: it can be dangerous. HSPs can lessen our level of activation in the face of rage by practicing self-regulation, so that we begin from a calmer baseline. I highly recommend self-regulation practices for all HSPs.

That said, we will never find it easy to be in a situation like yours, Mary, constantly exposed to another’s rage. To view the situation both realistically and compassionately, you first need to let go of the belief that you should be able to stay calm.

Instead of asking how you can be calmer in the face of your husband’s rage, try asking these questions:

“How can I keep my peace in this situation?” I’m guessing this is what you most want, Mary: you want peace, no matter what your husband is doing.

“What am I trying to control that I can’t control?” Are you trying to control yourself into being “less reactive?” Or trying to get him to work harder on this? As long as we’re trying to control our own reactions or other people’s reactions, we’re trapped in the realm of “what should be.”

“Can I accept my husband the way he is?” With this question, you take a step towards freedom. For example, if you realize you can’t accept your husband the way he is, then the next step is to accept %that. Then you are free to focus on what you %can control.

As you ponder these questions, you begin to align your choices with your values. You can’t know which way things will go until you accept “what is.” Letting go of control is the only way to find out whether a relationship can change.

I need your help

Do you have HSP-related questions? I could use them right now. I’ve experienced so much loss in the past two years that I’m left with the sensation of surveying life from high in the atmosphere. Most recently, my cousin died from an accidental overdose. It was a heartbreaking shock for all of us who loved him. From the moment I got the news, everyday life has felt surreal to me. From this perspective, only the biggest existential questions matter.

Intellectually, I know this isn’t true.  In fact, I’ve noticed I feel most grounded when I’m with clients, addressing their real-life questions and concerns. It restores my perspective. So please, do send me any questions you have.

As always, thank you for reading.

Image: 2026 Kaitlyn Wyenberg. Thank you so much Kaity.

Note: This newsletter is 100% human. I wrote it, with no AI assistance.