Once you know how to slow down a conversation—no matter how intense it gets—you can relax and really listen. What a relief.

There are few things I find more stressful than a conversation that’s moving too fast for me. If you are highly sensitive like me, I’m sure you know what I mean.

This used to happen when I’d ask for directions (back when we did that, ha.) I’d be overwhelmed after two sentences. Google Maps took care of that. However, I still get overaroused if someone says a lot of words to me very rapidly. And if the conversation has an emotional charge for me, my brain shuts down completely. The words I’m hearing might as well be Greek, for all I can comprehend them.

In the past, I had only two bad options to deal with this. I could let the person keep talking, even as I became increasingly overaroused, causing the evaporation of my ability to comprehend them. Or I could interrupt. This was hardly any better. In my overwhelmed state, no matter what words I used, I’d sound agitated and even impatient, as in, “Could you please slow it down? I’m getting overwhelmed.”

Why these options don’t work

I don’t need to tell you that neither of the above options feels good for the listener OR the speaker. To find a better way, we need to clarify why they feel crummy.

If I “listen” to you past my capacity—

• I will get even more overwhelmed. If I’m not careful, I will end up resenting you.
• You will likely end up feeling frustrated and resentful towards me, too, when it becomes obvious that I haven’t taken in a word you said.

On the other hand, if I say to you, “Could you please slow it down? I’m getting overwhelmed”—

• I’m making a request without first sharing the needs underlying the request. You will almost certainly hear my “request” as a demand. No one likes demands.
• I’m making a request that may not be doable for you. Sometimes people are agitated or excited, and they simply lack the ability or the skill to slow themselves down.
• I’m implying you are to blame for my feelings of overwhelm. Most people dislike being blamed as much as they dislike demands.
• I’m sending you a mixed message. My words suggest that I want you to go on speaking, if more slowly. But my impatient tone sends a different message. You will hear my tone louder than my words, in which case you will likely hear my request as a criticism.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t know me “back when?” Thank God I since have learned—

How to slow down a conversation

It looks, and sounds, like this:

1—Gently stop the person:

“Hey, can I just pause you for one second?”

2—Let them know you understand that what they are saying matters a lot to them:

“I’m hearing how important this is to you.” OR—
“I’m hearing how excited you are about this.” OR—
“I’m hearing how upset you are.”

3—Let them know that what they are saying is important to you, too:

“I want to be sure I’m fully taking in what you are saying.” OR
“I want to make sure I’m really getting this.”

4—Ask for permission to reflect back what you’ve heard:

“Can I just take a minute to say back to you what I think I’m hearing you say, to make sure I’m getting it?”

5—Reflect back what you’ve heard, focusing on summarizing the essential meaning of what you hear the speaker saying.

6—Check to see if you got it:

“Is that accurate?” OR
“Did I hear that part right?”

7—Repeat as needed. After the first round, all you need to say is this:

“Hang on, can I pause you again, here? Let me see if I’m getting this part. I think I’m hearing ________[here, you summarize the meaning you are hearing. It’s OK to use your own words.]

Intervening in this way feels good

I can’t tell you what a relief it has been to have this option in my conversational pocket. I know I can use it if needed. As a result, I’m less likely to get overwhelmed in the first place. In the meantime, I can relax.

Here’s the truly amazing part, though: intervening in this way creates good will and builds trust. It feels good to both people. I feel good as the listener, because I’m taking responsibility for my needs: these include consideration of and respect for the speaker. The speaker feels respected and cared for, sensing that I genuinely want to take in what they are saying.

Perhaps this is why I’ve never once gotten a negative reaction when I’ve paused the conversation as described in Step 1 above. The most common reaction is surprise, mixed with appreciation.

One note: on paper, this process appears rather involved. In practice, it isn’t. I broke it down into seven steps so you can clearly see why each element is important. However, once you see that, you can substitute your own words if you want to. Or you can use my script. It’s your intent that matters, not the actual words you use. Either way, with a bit of practice, there’s a flow that happens when you do this in person.

A final observation about slowing down

Note that at no point in the above seven step process is anyone required to speak more slowly or more calmly. Doing so may or may not be doable for either of you, depending on your respective emotional states. For this reason, you need a method that works no matter how rapidly either person is talking.

If your speaker is saying a lot of words per minute, you simply hit the pause button more often. There’s no rule governing how frequently you should pause. It’s entirely determined by your capacity as a listener. Interestingly, even an agitated speaker may begin to slow down of their own accord as you reflect their meaning back to them. However, even if they don’t slow down, you will still feel calmer, knowing you can gently stop them as often as you need to.

With these seven steps, you effectively slow down the conversation—not by requiring anyone to speak more slowly, but by inserting pauses in which you can check and learn whether “message sent was message received.” In the end, the exchange of meaning is what creates connection between the two of you. From that point of view, I could’ve titled this article, “How to stay connected even when a conversation feels intense.”

If you try this out, please let me know how it goes.

Photo: Thanks to Anna Wangler on Unsplash
Note: This newsletter is 100% human. I wrote it, with no AI assistance.